


Kismet

by atomdance



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A cute loser, Fluff, Lots of it, M/M, Taeil is a loser, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 07:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11641386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atomdance/pseuds/atomdance
Summary: Taeil wonders if Taeyong ever really liked him the way Taeil has liked Taeyong for the longest time. He never really lands upon a firm answer, even in his jumbled musings.





	Kismet

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to hooda for helping me with this, you're a champ and I love you!

Taeil is wide awake, sleep never comes to him easily but it’s redundant trying to sleep when he’s sharing a room with Taeyong; pretty little Taeyong who is fast asleep by his side, his hair messy, his face lax and beautiful. He almost feels creepy staring at him like this but he can’t help it, doesn’t get a lot of chances to  _really_  stare at Taeyong, admire his intricately crafted features that seem to challenge the creation of Hephaestus himself.

It’s a hard life; they’ve been friends for as long as Taeil can remember really, and he’s been in love with Taeyong for the better part of it. It’s kind of pathetic if he's being honest; he never has the audacity to utter anything that possesses even a timid tendency to sever the thin thread they’re treading, too scared to lose whatever it is they have going on. Taeyong, on the other hand, _is Taeyong_ ; oblivious to the longing in Taeil’s eyes every time they set on his.

Sleep being out of question, Taeil slips out of bed and onto the patio overlooking the ocean, its quiet; no sound other than the rustling palm tree leaves whispering mysteries into the moonlit horizon. They had ended up here, at Taeil’s Abeoji’s beach house a couple miles out of Busan, to spend the night after attending the annual science fair.

Sitting there by himself, free of all inhibitions and mental barriers he’s constructed to assure he acts a certain way, Taeil can’t stop himself from thinking. Thinking of the times when Taeyong’s body clung onto his without reason, of times when remnants of Taeyong’s scent always adorned Taeil’s clothes. He thinks of how easy their physical contact came, out of nowhere, and how easy it went away, thinks of how this wall between them grew taller, what moments laid out the cement and who started piling the bricks of distance on top.

It’s instances like this when Taeil can’t help but think of the times he’d rather forget about; his conscience well aware that thinking of _what ifs_ and the like is useless and it’s better if he forgets, his rational faculty always denying him the sweet pain of self pity that follows. Sometimes however, like now, Taeil shuns all logic; he caves and steps onto prohibited territory. It’s just to appease himself, he reasons.   

_"The spring dance is in less than a week and neither of you have a date yet."_

_Jaehyun lounges on the floor and stares up at Taeil and Taeyong, searching for the feeling of panic he’s feeling right now in his hyungs but neither of them pay him any mind, as if  Jaehyun's words disappeared into thin air just as they left his mouth. Taeil continues to run his hand through Taeyong’s recently dyed pink hair, smiling at how soft his hair feels even after enduring heavy bleach. Taeil’s own hair is a completely different story; having gone straw-like after that one time he dared to dye it lighter._

_Jaehyun kicks the edge of Taeyong's bed immediately, his growing pout ever so stubborn, demanding for their utmost attention to be on him. "Seriously, why aren't you two as worried about this as I am?"_

_"Why would they be worried?" It’s Yuta that speaks up from across the room._

_Jaehyun looks back at him with a quirk in his brow._

_"They have each other you know, why would they go with anyone else?" Yuta's words are supposed to be humorous, his tone and shit eating grin indicate that much, but they still manage to crawl straight into Taeil's ears and double kick his conscience in their wake. Taeil’s hand freezes somewhere upon Taeyong’s scalp as he feels the younger’s body turn a little stiff within his hold._

_"I mean hyung, you guys are onto each other so often, just take it to the next level already." Taeil can tell little Yuta means no harm, his jokes always bordering on offense, but he can also sense a hint of distaste in Yuta's tone that he doesn't want Taeyong to sense as well._

_"Well, it's not our fault you don't have a friendship as comfortable as ours." Taeil fires back, voice sounding far too stable for how panicked ridden he feels inside, as he shifts a little to rest both his hands on Taeyong’s waist. He then looks up and winks at Yuta, making sure to make a point about how tight he’s holding his best friend._

_Yuta merely scoffs in return. "Hyung come on, you two would have girlfriends by now if you didn't scare off every single attractive girl in our school by being so.." Yuta stares at the ground as he looks for a word that'll fit the situation, his korean still a little deficient. He tries again, "By being so..... close."_

_"Oh Hyung." Jaehyun says as he moves closer to the bed, "If you two are comfortable with each other, why do you get so defensive whenever anyone brings this up?" Jaehyun’s tone, unlike Yuta’s, is laced with sheer curiosity. Taeil doesn't have the words or patience to come up with an answer satisfying enough to placate Jaehyun, he doesn’t understand the matter himself if he’s being honest. Taeil and Taeyong have always been bad at words, leaning on tactile signals to communicate, it was how they’d grown around each other._

_Taeyong stays mute the whole time, his expression unreadable to everyone except Taeil; he’s lost in thought. Taking note of the stifling atmosphere though, Jaehyun diverts all the attention back to himself by whining about how So Hye had turned him down ruthlessly._

_Something changes. A week later, Taeyong shows up to the dance holding a girl’s hand, looking breathtakingly beautiful as always. After that, it's a different girl every year. Taeil doesn't even make the effort to remember their names because he knows exactly how that’s going to end. Taeyong seems happy, and Taeil adamantly chides himself for even wanting to come between Taeyong and his happiness, so Taeil tries to mirror his happiness the best he can. The physical distance between them builds as life goes on, Taeil blames it on growing up but his mind speaks another story. He never lets himself talk about how much he misses Taeyong’s nimble touch, how much he misses interlacing his hand with Taeyong’s. He’s well aware of how stupid his words would sound, so they stay locked in his ever returning reveries, stashed away in an alternate reality where Taeil is far more selfish and completely well versed, where he tells Taeyong how much the distance pains him, tell him how much Taeil craves the boy’s company. He stays silent though, he does it for Taeyong. Taeil knows far well he’d do anything for Taeyong and his stupid smile that makes Taeil stop and stare every damn time._

A wave of nostalgia hits Taeil, drowning him further into the sea of oblivion. The question mark surrounding the context of their relationship had always existed; Taeil had just chosen not to acknowledge its existence as exploring it would have lead them towards uncharted territory. Sometimes Taeil wonders if it is his brain projecting upon Taeyong’s affection, that his semblance of reality is clouded and far from being objective. Taeil wonders if Taeyong has ever really liked him the way Taeil has liked Taeyong for the longest time. Taeil never really lands upon a firm answer, even in his jumbled musings.

So, now, all Taeil can do is imagine; imagine a life where Taeyong isn’t so thick headed, where Taeil himself isn’t so _afraid _._ _ It’s one of his traits that has always let him down. He sighs, trying to will away thoughts of waking up in Taeyong’s arms and sneaking out of bed to make breakfast. He tries to will away thoughts of a small, warm body pressing up against his back as he makes pancakes with way too much butter, thoughts about food fights and side hugs, about soft lips and cold yet firm hands.

“Let’s go down”

Taeil whips around to see his best friend standing in the doorway looking past him, out at the ocean. Taeyong stares for a moment before dragging his gaze back to Taeil, smiling a little. His eyes reflect the constellations dotted across the vast skies and Taeil is mesmerized at how vividly bright his raven irises can get; flecks of gold and platinum mingling together in them, teaming up to play with Taeil’s emotions to the fullest.

“Let’s take a walk, the wind is nice. It was getting a little hot in there.”

The walk to the beach is filled with silence, with too many words unspoken and another chance to speak his mind lost, but Taeil is at ease. They’ve never really been ones for talking anyway, with Taeyong being reticent most of the time. Sometimes it’s as if his body does more talking than his words; like how his chin juts to the right whenever he’s holding back his excitement, how his left eye twitches when he’s scared but too stubborn to say so, or how his hands shake when he’s had a particularly rough day at work even though his smile is unwavering.

It’s really unfortunate that Taeil never has been one to approach the subject of his interest; whether it’s the new Syrian kid in his Judo class that he’s been meaning to befriend, or the Russian class he’s been wanting to take but is too scared for it to mess up his grades. Taeil is terrified of the uncertainty, only partaking in actions with a solid positive outcome. The fear of stepping out the little box he’s created for himself makes him get cold feet if ever, once in a blue moon, he does actually get persuaded enough to go through with his impulses from the spurts of confidence they throw his way. It’s really unfortunate, because Taeyong’s the last person Taeil would depend upon for showing his affection, if he has any for Taeil at all, because he knows Taeyong never says anything and he knows he’ll never find out and he knows he’ll remain longing all his life.

His breath catches in his throat when he glances to the side at Taeyong’s partially illuminated face under the street lights, the scar near his eye taking in the yellow glow as a limelight. Taeil doesn’t know what it is about Taeyong that makes him stop and stare every single time but he’s far too gone to figure that out now, he’s just floating on the endless wave of affection he has, bound to be doomed for eternity.

They end up sitting on a boulder far north of the beach, the cool ocean breeze blowing onto their faces as they stare at the endless mass of the ocean in front of them. Taeil can hear the loud waves crashing against the shore, the monotony in the sound relaxing him further. He looks over at Taeyong and catches him smiling at the view in front of them, his eyes crinkling, making his eyelashes glimmer under the moonlight.

“Do you want to kiss me?” Taeyong murmurs after what seems like hours, although Taeil is sure not more than a few minutes have passed. The waves drown his words in their mighty roar to the point where Taeil is half sure he’s just imagined Taeyong saying it in his head, he’s astounded at how fucked up that is; he’s practically hallucinating about this childhood crush that he should be over for ages. But then Taeyong has his head turned towards Taeil and his eyes are steady as if demanding an answer.

“Always” Taeil can only whisper it; his eyes downcast, too scared to see rejection in Taeyong’s eyes, too shocked at Taeyong’s acknowledgement.

“Then why don’t you?”

Taeil can’t believe Taeyong’s words. He’s _sure_ he’s dreaming now, he’s sure he’s going to wake up in the same sad world where Taeyong is beautiful and  _not interested._  He’s too into his head because the next thing he knows, Taeyong’s lips are landing on his own and his head is hazy; too faded to form a proper thought, too buzzed to care for it. Taeyong’s lips are satin soft and they radiate warmth that spreads throughout Taeil’s body like wildfire, it’s a nice juxtaposition against the chill penetrating the air. The kiss is sweet, Taeyong’s lips tasting of strawberry bubblegum and something so inexplicably  _Taeyong_ , it makes Taeil smile against them _._

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Taeyong pants out, breaking the kiss.

Taeil just stares, too brain-dead to come up with an utterance of proper form. He’s pretty sure he can’t answer that question even when he isn’t foggy headed.

Taeyong kisses him again when Taeil offers no answer, hands on Taeil’s cheeks as he melts onto him. Taeil feels the heady rush taking over, the feeling he’s been craving for years returns to him in a way that leaves him completely sated. Happy even, Taeil feels utterly, inexplicably and comprehensively happy and he loves yet hates how dependent upon the younger he actually is.

“It’s okay, all that matters is that this is happening.” Taeyong mumbles against his lips and Taeil can’t stop grinning. Taeyong is right, all that matters is the way Taeyong is pressed against Taeil, how his lips are attached to Taeil’s and how well they fit together.

**Author's Note:**

> Tfw Taeil is me irl ≧﹏≦


End file.
